Rattle-Boom-Bus

Up in the morning-open the eyes-rise from bed-wish it wasn't morning-eat breakfast-wash-complain once more that work is more than just a terrible dream-leave for work.

We all do this everyday and most of our stories are the same. But here in Thailand Cheryl and I have an extra flavour that makes our trek to work that much more interesting; the rattle-boom-bus.

In Bangkok there are two types of buses one can take. Some of them are very nice new buses with air-conditioning flowing icy cold. The gears shift smoothly, the doors open silently and there is usually a nice seat to sit upon. However, these buses are also the most expensive. As well, they are not a set price. You pay for them according to how far you plan to travel. Thus, the farther you go, the more it costs (air-con with a smile ain't cheap you know).

The former buses are for those with money to spare and a taste for comfort, which is the fortunate few. For the rest of the working class world that is Thailand there is the rattle-boom-bus. The rattle-boom-bus is one that has seen better days. Its paint is stripped, the gears are cranky, and the windows are forever slanted or smashed open and are repaired only with flimsy Doremon stickers (a popular Thai cartoon character). Dirt has claimed every spare inch of the engine, termites have claimed the floor, and the walls, ceiling, and handrails tell tales of over one hundred days of handholds. The brakes are shot, the air is hot and the people are pressed like sardines.

Step One: Catching the bus.
-When waiting for the bus in Bangkok one must first find the bus stop. There is no sign to help you. Most of them are indicated only by the regular patronage of people standing about with little visible purpose, which can be misleading because it is a common Thai trait to do this randomly and often. This can usually be determined as a place where a bus is likely to stop. When the bus arrives you must wave your hand in the low, limp wrist style that Thai's use, which looks a lot like a proper lady waving her handkerchief at a potential suiter (so get wooing that bus yo). Then it is important to hold your Buddha medallion (for good luck) because the bus will only stop if it decides it wants to (which isn't always).

Step Two: Boarding the bus.
-If you are so lucky this morning that the bus is stopping you must now muster your outer-circling skills in order to claim a position within the bus. If you fail to do so you will not be afforded the luxury of riding the rattle-boom-bus because you will be swiftly pushed out of the way by everyone else who is aspiring to ride the rattle-boom-bus. The most subtle way to do this is to predict the precise position that the bus will stop in thus allowing you the initial pole-position of boarding the bus. Then, you should huff out your shoulders so as not to allow anyone to pass you. Lastly, you must press forward amongst the throng of potential passengers until you have squeezed through the door and secured your transportation for yet another day. Congratulations, you have now boarded the rattle-boom-bus.

Step Three: Riding the Bus-Riding the rattle-boom-bus is just like riding any other bus except for a few subtle differences. One difference is that the bus is inevitably packed tighter than a boy’s closet after cleaning his room; with all of its contents spilling into every crevice, constantly threatening to bust through the threshold at any minute. So, when you board the bus be sure to stuff yourself into a corner where you won't be pressed out the door. Another difference is that the rattle-boom-bus is anything but a smooth ride so one must hold on with a kung-foo grip if they hope to survive the ride. To top it off, the gears are always shot on the rattle-boom-bus and the driver is usually set on making the current day the last one those poor gears will function, and so they proceed to thrash the stick to and fro in a maniacal fashion between each gear. And this, ladies and gentlemen is what makes it the “rattle-boom-bus”. So huff out your chest, push on through, and hold on tight because it’s another lovely morning in Bangkok.