March of the Pigs

The pigs are marching and they are in Thailand. I have seen them with mud clinging to their sides. They slobber on themselves thinking they are the master, all the whilst never understanding that it is merely their urges that drive them.

On one of our first travels to the near-bye regions of Bangkok Cheryl and I visited Hua Hin. This is a place of usual tourist-like goings on in Thailand. There are various places to see and thing to do such as monkey mountain, the beach, and many a place to feast on both local authentic and imitation foreign cuisine. Then there are the pigs. The roaming falangs in search of "love". They come in search of something they have lost, or perhaps never gained, and for some reason they think what they are looking for will be found in a bar.

*falang: Thai for “foreigner”

When walking the various avenues of Hua Hin one cannot help but notice these pigs as they march from one place to another. Most of them are male, in their mid to late over-the-hill status years, and are wanting to fulfill themselves in ways they perhaps never should. Then they find themselves in the land of smiles, amidst the teaky-hut bars full of cheap booze and even cheaper women. Whatever possesses a pig to wallow in the mud I'll never know.

At one point Cheryl and I were eating dinner in a nice restaurant and we saw a white, middle-aged man with his similarly white, middle-aged wife. He had the look a grown Peter Pan might have if he were to suddenly stumble upon the neverland he once left. She on the other hand had a look of reluctance and hidden disgust at the environment in which her husband dared to feign such a Panesque expression. I leaned over to Cheryl and whispered, "What is he doing? Doesn't he know he can trade her in for at least three wives half her age here?" As ridiculous as it sounds, in the context of Thailand, where the march of the pigs is thunderous, this joke came off rather well.

At this early experience of the swine in full swing I felt it was odd but dismissed it as an inevitable consequence of tourism. However, time went on and many other places were visited. It soon occured to me that these pigs were all over the place. They could be found in every cranny in which one might find a bar with cheap women and Thailand is not shy of its wealth of cheap women (and imitation ones too, but that is another blog). After several months of observing this strange culture of falangs behaving badly I resigned myself to the fact that maybe a pig is just a pig and that is the way it is. Perhaps if I didn't look at it I might reserve my cruel judgement for larger crimes against morality. However, tonight Cheryl and I gained a double dose of the pigroast and so here I sit, writing, and roasting the pigs.

Whilst dining in the Bourbon Street Pub off of Sukhumvit road Chery and I found ourselves seated between two such pigs as they grunted through their slop. Pig number one was sitting to our left with a family of Thai's that consisted of the father, the mother, and their two daughters of ages eighteen and ten. The final member of their entourage was a large falang man in his sixties who appeared to be the young eighteen year old's boyfriend. As if this weren't enough, to our right sat a man, also in his sixties who was trying to convince his rather young newly acquired Thai girlfriend she ought to marry him, leave her family, and follow him home to America. This seemed to be the moment for here to make her ultimate request of which I am certain was her motivating factor for being with him in the first place; she wanted money. She claimed it was for her brother, which may have been the truth, however that is not the point I am making. The reason these Thai women choose to allow the pigs to drool upon them and engage in such antics is for the money. Falangs have money and Thai women want access.

The pig on the right pleaded the woman to marry him to which she flat out refused on behalf of her brothers need for her to “work”. Finally, the pig relinquished his offer of marriage only to offer her 100,000 Baht to be with him for a year on top of the 2,400 Baht he had already paid her to be with him for the past week. As romantic as this sounds, the scene was unappealing as one would expect a pig to appear when it appeals to its own sty. This is the romance of the march of the pigs.

If there is a lesson to be learned from this story it is that the love I have for my wife by far transcends the experience of any mere pig and for that I am grateful. I am currently sitting on the throne of a beautiful union, and I hope never to wallow in the mire such as so many around us appear to be doing.

Panthip is a Crazy Hullabaloo

This weekend Cheryl and I ventured to Panthip Plaza in search of a deal on electonics. After asking around about where to look for a deal I was told repeatedly to visit Panthip Plaza and now I see why. The plaza was five stories of mind-bending madness. The entire place was small proprieters all carrying variations of the same electronic products. The crazy thing was that the prices were very low because of the sheer competition of the place. There must have been several hundred vendors all with the same things to sell, and all under the same roof. Every inch was packed with cheap nock-off electronic wares of all shapes and sizes. I saw name brands of all sorts but one could never be sure if they were real or not, especially the "ipods". For the first twenty minutes I was very excited at the incredible deals, but within the next twenty minutes the place was just too much to handle. Cheryl was anxious to leave as one can stand amidst madness for only so long before it becomes contagious. We soon subsided to making our purchase and escaping quickly, however, when there's a good deal to be had on electronics, any man is tempted to return.

*Editors Note: The term "man" as used above does not include Cheryl Bates.

THe Line at the End of the Universe

Today was the day that we finally recieved our work visa's. I would like to say that it was a heart-warming and exhilerating experience only it was the exact opposite of. Our school had many such individuals as Cheryl and I in need of applying for our visa's and so we all went together en mass to spend a day driving between government offices and waiting in lines until our back ends felt as though they were one with the smooth plastic.

If you have ever waited in any government office anywhere within the known universe or beyond, I'm certain you have experienced something similar. They are often crammed with all sorts of people coming together for the common beaurocratical cause of filing their names into a drawer of utmost importance. Failure to comply to do so may brand one unofficial, an alien, or worse, non-existent. And so here we were en route between us being considered simply aliens to that of legalized work aliens.

The term "aliens" does not seem unfair at this time as the immoble functions of a government office are a universal factor and I am certain they are the same on every planet - even planet Thailand.

Currently, I am sitting amidst the crying babies, the 7-13 different languages, and the room that despite the 14 air conditioners is unbearably hot. Be happy dear reader that you are not accompanying us on this particular adventure, and pray that by the end of this journey Cheryl and I will be legal aliens.

The Day I Married My Beautiful Wife

The night before our wedding we were so wired full of energy that we simply couldn't let ourselves rest. We went through the motions of getting ready to sleep and even lay down to give our physiological selves the illusion of rest, but by 4:00 in the morning we realized that sleep was not about to happen. We finally decided that since we were not sleeping we might as well play cards until the breakfast buffet would begin.

At 6:30 we went down for breakfast. The Royal Empress Hotel had an extensive buffet that carried everything one could possibly eat for breakfast. The previous two mornings we had partaken immensely, however, our excitement of the wedding day seemed to make our stomachs small. Yes, no sleep, and no appetite; we were very excited!

We could not help but notice that it had been raining heavily outside and the sky looked as though it had no intention of stopping. We were crossing our fingers in hopes of nice weather. Fortunately the rain did not last the day. The sky cleared up later, and also, we found out that in Thailand it is considered good luck for it to rain on a couples wedding day. So it goes.

Jit and her husband picked us up on schedule. Our first stop was at their shop to get Cheryl ready such as her make-up and hair. This was rather amusing as the first generation of her make-up was a bit extreme. I think the application of make-up in Thailand is often an event not of highlighting details but of hiding blemishes and acquiring whiter skin. Cheryl had to do some slight adjustments until she looked beautiful.

Once Cheryl was ready we departed to our wedding venue. The venue was nestled deep within the countryside of northern Thailand. we drove up hills, through valleys, and down many winding roads that led to more winding roads. When we finally rolled into the venue we drew in a breath. The place was wonderful. The grounds were lush and full of small flower gardens. There was a small thatchet chapel-like area for the service, and in the centre of the grounds was the main venue building. The bottom consisted of a patio with pillows and mats and a kitchen in the back. Above this was the actual wedding suite. This was made entirely of teak wood from floors, to walls, to ceiling. There was even a small patio with kitchenette for us to watch the sunrise and eat breakfast the following morning. The place was breathtaking.

We immediately set to getting ourselves ready for the ceremony. We were nervous because we had yet to see each other in our wedding clothes. When I was ready I went to the altar to meet with the minister and await Cheryl. I had my vows and our rings ready in my sweaty and shaking hand. When Cheryl emerged from the venue house I could feel my heartbeat through every artery of my body. I was so excited, and seeing her only heightened the effect of it all. She looked so beautiful as she approached across the lawn in her weding dress. From her face I could tell that she was feeling similarly giddy.

The actual ceremony did not take long. We spent most of the time looking longfully at each other and trying not to fall apart from the shakes and happiness. We both seemed to be bursting at the seems. I was so nervous that I even messed up my traditional vows. Instead of repeating each of the vows, I instead said, "I do" and "yes" in agreement to all of them as tehy were read by the minister. I can only hope that Chery thought it cute of me and not stupid.

Once the ceremony was over Cheryl and I stopped shaking so much. It was like we could move on to the joy of being newlyweds now that we were passed the initial nervousness. We moved about the grounds with the photographer following and taking picture after picture. In fact, the photographer ended up taking over 500 pictures that day.

Our next item on the agenda was to ride an elephant. We had to drive awhile, but that was fine as our wedding organizer had arranged for a very nice van transort for the day complete with air con, drinks, and a cooler full of ice.

We arrived to see the elephants ready for send off. I think some of the locals and staff thought it odd that we were planning to ride the elephant regailed in our full wedding gear but...so it goes. We wanted to ride in style and that we did. Although we didn't have soup cans trailing our wedding transportation we did ask to have a "just married" sign hung on the back of Dodo the elephant. Our wedding planner, Jit, seemed to think this was very cute. We rode Dodo for about 30 minutes through the lush valley countryside. When we returned to the handlers they had provided food for us to feed Dodo. This was fun. We found Dodo was quite gentle taking the food from our hands in a very delicate manner with the end of his trunk.

We had a light lunch at a local luxury hotel before leaving to return to the venue. Upon our return there was a 5-piece Thai band awaiting our arrival ready to regail us with music for hours on end. We sat on pillows and drank Thai wine whilst listening to music and enjoying each others company. I even tried to play some Thai music. Meanwhile the Thai staff was preparing our wedding meal in the kitchen.

When the dinner was served we were in awe. The food was so delicately placed and finely prepared with every consideration taken to asure a wonderful meal. I would place it as possibly the best meal I have ever eaten. We had several types of curry with meats, vegetables, spring rolls, chicken, and other items. We enjoyed lazily eating small amounts over a long period of time as we wished not to hurry the experience.

After dinner we enjoyed a bottle of champaign as the sun sank away. Once it was sufficiently dark we went to the entrance of the venue to set aloft nine fire balloons. Why nine? "Because it rucky number!" This was a nice romantic touch to finish our wedding day. When we were finished we watched the row of balloons in the sky depart slowly bobbing with the air currents through the valley.

We couldn't have asked for a better day. Everything happened better than we could have planned. Jit saw to everything and all was perfect, especially my wife.

-please check out our pictures

"The Day I Married the Most Beautiful Woman in the World"

Night Market in Chiang Mai

During one of our evenings in Chiang Mai we went to the night market. This was my first experience of markets in Thailand, and there are many. In fact, markets are as common in Thailand as Tim Horton's is in Canada; they are in every neighborhood and I'm certain the society would somehow crumble without them.

The night market was like nothing I had ever imagined. Over the last several years Cheryl and I have toured many festival markets across Canada, but the markets of Thailand are a completely different story. markets in Canada are often very well organized (knock on wood) in terms of spacing out the booths in accordance to fire laws etc. In Thailand this is not the case. If there is an inch to be had, three inches will come to occupy the space. A market will consist of carts crammed into every inch of space with each inch of that space crammed with as much stock as can be carried on a single cart.

People were selling everything from jewelry, to t-shirts and other apparel, to refurbished electronics. Then there were the food carts. These are a staple not only of all Thai markets but also of almost all residential streets in Thailand. They are integral to the entrepneurial mixed economy of Thailand. Food carts will carry, fruit, fruit smoothies, various forms of fried dough, and a million other such sweet things. They also sell complete meals complete with curries, rice, meats, soups, rolls, and many, many other foods.

My first experience in that night market was an eye-opener; not only was I not in Kansas, but the people of Oz wanted to sell me things.

Arrival in Chiang Mai

We arrived in Chiang Mai airport, got our luggage an awaited our wedding planner. She came along with her previously Canadian husband. They immediately fell into the role of organizer, and host. Our first stop was at the consulate's office. However, the consulate's office was closed likely due to the Thai clock factor. The Thai clock is one that gives or takes time at will (part of a larger explanation to be concluded another time). Jit, our delightful wedding organizer, then took us for a tasty cup of tea whilst we waited for the consulate.

After our initial paperwork with the consolate, Jit and her husband took us for a breakfast at a quaint nook. This restaurant was like many in Thailand, semi-open air, put together with various materials including a sheet metal roof, with sounds of traffic and roosters accompanying the ambiance.

After breakfast Jit and her husband continued to host us by driving us to a tailor to pick out material and have me measured for my suit and to any other place we would wish. We appreciated their hospitality, but we requested to rest at our hotel as we were still quite jetlagged and had not rested the previous night.

Over the next two days Jit and her husband continued to drive for us, offer their expertise, and ensure that we were prepared for the wedding.

I must say I was very impressed with the tailor they provided. Arriving at the tailor I was once again reminded that I was no longer in Kansas as I noticed the torn up couch in the foyer the dirty pants and loud shirt worn by the tailor, and the geckos crawling on the wall. Despite all of these aspects the context of Thailand is very outside of the North American sphere, and so, I felt the place would be okay. I was not disappointed. The suit fit like a glove and 'suited' me quite well.

Flying to the Other Side of the World

Our flight path was to lead from Winnipeg, to Chicago, to Tokyo, and finally, to Bangkok. Our flight took about 30 plus odd hours. The flight was not unenjoyable at times. Although our flight to Chicago was rather cold spirited. As soon as we were airborne the stewardess was very unaccomodating and quickly indicated not to bother her for anything. My request for carry-on storage assistance was met with an angry nod. Lucky for us this was not a long part of the voyage.

We landed in Chicago O'Hare airport. When we deboarded the airplane, as strange as it sounds, it felt as if we were immediately in a far away place. Even thought Chicago is only several hundred kilometres south of Winnipeg, it is definitely still somewhere over the rainbow. Things were not necessarily so different, perhaps it is that the United States is so much like Canada, that the small differences appear just that much more disorienting. For example, the people were all speaking English, however, the dialect was more like an uneducated version of cable television than the regular day to day speech of flatlander Canadians. The other differences were many, however nothing one could put their finger on in particular, but we knew we were no longer in Kansas, or perhaps it's that we were closer to it than before.

After a short stay and a dizzying attempt to navigate O'Hare International, we finished our ridiculously overpriced and greasy lunch, and then boarded a Japan Airlines Jet. This proved to be a step up on the comforrt ladder. As soon as we took off we were presented with quick and efficient hospitiple service from the plethora of friendly flight attendants. They even gave us warm towels with which to freshen our faces. We were even presented with the luxury of in-flight movies and video games installed into the seats directly in front of us. There was music as well, but I don't personally have a flavour for the Asian pop music and other such ilk offered on Japan Airlines.

After about 16 hours of flight we landed in Tokyo. We felt a bit weary for the wear, however we settled into an Asahi and a delicious bowl of noodles before connecting to our next flight.
Our final flight took 5 hours and landed us in Bangkok International between 1 and 2 a.m. Needless to say we were quite ready for some open space and a shower. This was to be the beginning of the cultural foray. Cheryl, being the seasoned traveler between us, thought it would be funny to see how I would react to the barrage of cab driver's which she knew would inevitably accost us once we left the terminal. And accost us they did. Once we crossed the threshold of the gates they were upon us like waves breaking on the shore and my surfboard was without a rudder.

There were dozens and dozens of taxi driver's all promising to take us the nicest hotel for the best deal complete with breakfast and all the perks. However, like all waves there was an undertow. This was my first taste of the entrepeneurial kingdom. Everyone in Thailand is out to find their dollar, or should I say, their share of the Baht. Keeping in mind that there are umpteen million people crowede together in Bangkok, it is easy to understand that one needs to be savy to get their share of the do re mi. Therefore everyone interconnects to convince all the fish to enter their net. The taxi driver takes you to the hotel, which has a deal with the bartender, who employs the cook, who is the daughter of the tourism company etc, etc. Each person gets a cut of the money that comes out of the falang, and they all work together to ensure it can happen.

Cheryl watched me telling taxi driver's, one after the other, that we would be okay. Then one sounded legitimate (oh, how naive), and so I accepted and we were off to the hotel he indicated in the picture. The hotel wasn't half bad for the price we paid, that is, if we were in Canada. However, for the price we paid relative to the prices of Thailand, we could have rented the luxury sweet in most hotels. But we were ragged from the long plane ride and were simply happy to have a shower and a place to stretch out.

Although we were tired we had incredible jet lag and so instead of sleeping we ended up hanging out together all night. Then we waited around for the promised free breakfast that never came (such is Thailand), and we were off to the airport for our flight to Chiang Mai for 6 a.m.